NEVER share your emotions with your children! Bashny.Net

One of the main problems mothers - is to help the child cope with his emotions. Learn how to deal with them, to take away too much, take, help digest what he can digest. Lyudmila Petranovskaya calls it "containment." That is, the mother should be some kind of capacity that can take children's emotions, to fold, to recycle. And the emotions of a child occur constantly, it is very difficult to control them, they live openly interfere in the raw form.

But this function is often not recognized by their mothers, it is not satisfied, is ignored, it is considered unnecessary. Unfortunately, children are not always regarded as the mother emotion pleasant, acceptable and important. And not always mom thinks I should do something to help, and of course, it is often considered a trifle.




I so often heard from moms, dads, grandparents and such things as:

What do you sob! Also my problem!
How long do you mamma will hide under the skirt?
Real men do not cry!
What to calm him down, it's just manipulation!
Wipe your snot, you're an adult already!
And we tell you, do not go!
Go tion to another place!
I and a sometimes catch something like that, they say, he poured the water, he himself had slipped. And immediately say to myself "stop».

My function is what? Helping your child cope with emotions. Dot. I - container! I do not appreciate, I just accept. This is important for the baby and for me.

Why do you need a container?

To a child to develop harmoniously, it must promptly release from the burden of emotions, so it will be easier to move forward. In other emotions as ballast, will interfere with him to move on. To the child did not have the feeling that he should not feel, at this point should be feeling only so, but it is generally prohibited. To avoid wasting time on something to pretend that you do not feel what you feel, or feel something that does not really feel. To be sincere with yourself and understand yourself.

Emotions - is a byproduct of life, they should live and let go, and not to hoard inside. Otherwise minute irritability become permanent aggressive background. To flash of sadness are not turned into a permanent depression.

What happens if a long time do not go to the toilet on ethical grounds? Roughly the same thing will happen to the person who can not release the "digested" the emotions of his own heart. And the base of the child's relationship with emotions laid in childhood.

If emotions are divided into good and bad, do not help a child cope with them, not to take away all the accumulated, and sometimes more, and put the child in their adult experiences - that we will end up with

? If the growing boy, in these circumstances, it becomes unable to give an emotional defense of his wife. He is afraid of her emotions in any form, will not be able to listen to her experiences, falling into aggression or depression. Especially if the son had to listen to the emotions of his mother (which for a child of either sex is unbearable).

It will be difficult to him to worry and emotional manifestations of their own children. It just causes unbearable pain, and the source of this pain wants to plug any cost. And that's what you love a person, do not remember. In this then, many women complain about - the husband can not stand stale and tears, bad mood, does not support

. If growing a girl, we can get in the end the good and the right woman, positive, productive - at the external level. But inside it is finished neurotic, which in any case remains dissatisfied with himself. To do what was asked, but did not want to - a feeling of emptiness and depression. Denied - guilt. No situations when she is happy.

With her own emotions go nowhere, she realizes they are few, and therefore can not explain, so that no one is hurt. Because it is coming only in the form of crying, tantrums for no reason, or remain in - diseases. Since she does not allow herself to feel it all, then she goes to her husband so that women can not stand emotion. And her children, too, not to be envied - no matter how loved, be their container, it can not. And everything will continue.

Looks like this is the containment?

For example, a simple situation. The child climbed a tree fell and hit. Maybe not even bruises, but it hurts. He calls his mother.

Mother, inside of which there is a place for taking a child immediately emotions will take him in his arms, hug, sorry, prigolubit, blow the place of injury. Couple minutes - the child runs like new for business. The pain goes away quickly, baby as quickly saturated and calms down.

Mom, who is already full of different emotions - their own and others' - and can not cope with them, first scold, nakrichit, insert something about "I told you - do not go!". Itself I do not know why. On the machine. After maybe sorry (though not for long), and may be limited to phrases: "yes that's okay, is not so painful, the wedding will begin to live." In this case, the baby cries longer louder than my mother more annoying. Or goes to the background nagging. Easier nobody becomes.

The difference between the first and second mother, not only in the reactions, but in the feelings they experienced. One in full and calm, so it can tame a small breeze of events his calmness. Other - initially tense, irritable and agitated. Therefore, any external oscillation takes it from himself strong enough to cause a storm inside. It can be understood - it really hard. It is full, she can not be a container.

Why do we fail to take the children's emotions?

1. We are overwhelmed by emotions and not know how to deal with them. It would be nice to introduce the subject of school - "our emotions and what to do with them." It would be nice to give the child self-help tools. Better yet would be to start to help themselves. Learn, practice.

2. In the early years we did not have such a container. Yes, once again recall what girls and boys grow up without such containers for emotions - learn this myself and wife. And we understand what we have to work front.

3. We have no place to put all of this - we can not digest our emotions too, are not wanted. In our families we do not have chimneys lined up perfectly when emotions give younger senior, and senior digest and give more. None of our childhood experiences do not exist, nor the husband is not the case (again remember what the boys grow up, emotions, that no one was taking). Mentors have neither. Culture dealing with emotions, too. What remains? To live as best we can, to suffer through his teeth.

4. We collect negative emotions here and there. How specifically. Strange to say, having inside a huge pile of all heavy, we why else go and collect everywhere negative. We watch TV, read the newspaper, get involved in disputes. We get a new batch of negative emotions, which is not able to digest again. Even more Reboot.

This is the original data, which is almost at each of us, very few people are fortunate to have wise parents who know how to deal with emotions.

How to become that container?

1. Deal with your emotions, accumulated over the years 20-30-40. To help - any technology. Letters, diaries, meditation, training, body practices, confession - anything. If only in the beginning to relax. Once again I say that on the site there is article 41 means living emotions.

2. Never - do you hear? - NEVER share emotions with children. Even if children 10-15-20-30 years. Do not greet them, their problems, fears, anxiety and so on. It is taboo. Better to tell her friends, husband, paper, parent, tree, or in prayer. But never - child

! 3. Stop taking the emotions of those you do not have to listen. First of all - parents. If they are trying to pour you a film, telling about their relationship, difficulties, problems. Translate a joke when you hear a song my mother, "your father is quite dokanali me." Change the subject, sometimes stop it. And it is a good daughter earn a reputation, but their children will have nothing to give back.

4. Find an emotion exit points. People who are something you can tell. These can be teachers, friends, parents. Find a form in which at least some of the most difficult emotions can take a spouse. Gradually train yourself to open your heart to her husband so that both of you were not hurt. And do not accumulate. Let your vessel experiences will always be at least half empty.

5. Do not collect negative! In this world it very much, but you do it what? Remove from your life sources of information, which carries only stress.

6. Teach yourself first give your child support and care. And only then read the notation, if you want. It is very difficult to close your mouth when you like as a child to blame for what happened, "I told you so!" Try it - and you will see the result

. 7 and want to understand the importance of their parental function. For this you can donate some other parental functions to keep the force and the fact to be the best container.

And separately want to stay at an important point that in order not to drain the emotions to their children. I know how sometimes want to speak, and next to no one is tempted to say something snide about her husband or pour on it some kind of problem. But the result will be quite serious and difficult -. For both of you

Do not empty negative children does not mean pretending that you biorobot, and you do not have negative emotions and never. This means to comply with the hierarchy of the child to remain a refuge and not try to use it as a drainage ditch.

Emotions are passed by junior senior, then it's all for the benefit and harms no one.

Let's see what is acceptable in a relationship with the child, and that - no

. What is draining negativity?

You had a fight with her husband, on this occasion you are very much worried. It fits your child, and you are on level ground, or because of the insignificant nonsense start to yell at him. Or, if the child is older, you start to tell him: "Dad your so, dad-so, and I am a poor unhappy, tormented him for so many years!»

Got a problem at work. You extrude bosses, clients or colleagues tortured, tension is very high. And then you come home and either yelling at children or they fall out - "but I told him, and he told me, but the situation is how I got this job, but I can not do anything ...". And all dumped on the child's head.

You are sick. You some terrible diagnosis put, you are afraid. And then you go to the child and to speak to him. Where it hurts, how it hurts, what diagnosis, a prognosis, which fears. And he adds: "Oh, if I die, how are you going without me!". And again: "Oh, do not upset me so, and then I have a heart attack will again»

. You have a complicated relationship with the mother of her husband, and when she leaves, you start talking to the child that grandma is bad, it is not necessary to listen to it at all it is not my grandmother, as well.

You and the child's father divorced, and when the child asks about dad, you tell him start to talk about what kind of father he-goat, as it you threw like walking on the women drank, how many dirty tricks made that the child was never interested in that child support is not dress and so on.

You have a hard day - and you are again on the child yelling or telling him in detail how everything is difficult, awful and unbearable

. And so on. The criteria are simple:

Your emotions have nothing to do with the child and his behavior. You just bad and want somewhere to pour it. The child in this case is caught by the arm, it is convenient that he has nowhere to get away from you.

A child can not in any way to help you and solve your problem. For him, it's just kind of disaster that it is very worried, but do he can not, testing in this case, only the impotence and depression. Your splash of emotions leads only to the fact that the child is increased anxiety and worsen relations with the world, and your father.

If so, we get the usual drain of negative emotions, destructive for the child's mind a splash, which can greatly affect it in the future.

I remember a story that told me one psychologist. Her training was a woman of forty. And she began to tell the story of his childhood:

"My grandmother wore it every day on my white golfiki. Although I spent a whole day walking in the street, they could not spoil. Like the dress. The grandmother said that her heart would not stand, and she will die. I am very afraid of this, and sometimes wash their clothes with girlfriends, to my grandmother not to upset.

The same grandmother used to say, if I was late if received three, if you do not listen to her or to help her around the house. I'm most afraid of in the world that my grandmother would die - and it's all because of me »

And gradually she moved to cry:

"I am forty years old. I finished neurotic. I am not married and have no children. A grandmother is still alive !!! »

It is a sad story of how the behavior of an adult is able to influence the formation of the psyche of the child.

Mom - Live
But you can, and even should show the child by example, how to deal with emotions. Show that you can be sad, hard.

And that is not quite a living mother, who never gets angry, does not get tired and do not go to the toilet - it is a way, which is not possible close relationship

. The child is not blind, he sees that with you something so that you have a bad mood, and you're on top is glued unnatural smile and pretend that all is well. How then can he believe you? And then he will be able to recognize their own emotions, accept and live?

What are the emotions we can and should show the child?

Honey, I'm tired at work, rest a little lie down.
Son, I'm upset that you had a fight with his brother.
Daughter, I have had a hard day today, let's just lie down in bed together.
I cry because you hit me hurt.
We read a book a little later, when my mother a rest.
I'm sick, I need to lie down. Can you bring me some water, a massage of the head.
The criteria are the same, but in this case, the child may have to do something, and he understood what it was. This is something everyday, not fatal, solvable.

Your emotions are either directly related to it - and he knows how to change their behavior. Either they are not connected with him - but you expressly designate and do not give unnecessary details. Just - I'm tired, I'm a little upset, angry, worried. Without details! Why not? Because the child know all of this is not necessary, it is not useful. Quite the contrary. Mom-a whiner and a victim in all of which one can not give the child the strength to live. And the sense, too.

Designating a brief emotions, you show that you have them - this is normal. What's all this is, that they are different, they can be and need to deal with, they need to live.

But the child is not at the same time on the first front line. It is important. Therefore, it is not necessary to "make friends" children. Friendship implies a complete opening of the heart to each other, exchanging equal. You may have a very close parent-child relationship. This is a rarity in today's world, and this is what many of us this is not enough. Even older children need not have a girlfriend, and mother. Mom! Senior, caring and family. That may take your emotions, even if you have twenty or forty years.

Even if we have such a container as a child I was not, and still do not, we ourselves can make a difference - for themselves and for their children. At least - it is worth trying.

Author: Olga Valyaeva